"Child's Bible Reader"-A Critical Review, Part 5

Sixteenth Sunday, "God's Anger At Moses"

Despite what you might think, Moses did not receive special treatment from God. Moses made the mistake of striking a rock with his staff instead of speaking to the rock to make water flow from it as God had instructed. Whoops!

God forgave Moses, but there was no escaping punishment for the holy man. Moses was denied the very thing every Israelite wanted the most-arriving in the promised land, finally, after so many years, after so much heartache and toil. The compassionate God allowed Moses a peek of the beautiful valley from afar before letting the old prophet die in the wilderness. The great Moses never set foot in the promised land, and for his single mistake, he was buried in an unmarked grave in the wilderness. The author reminds children that "one sin is enough to destroy us. It is terrible to disobey God." With God, its one strike and you're out.

Seventeenth Sunday, "Crossing Over Jordan"

God parted the waters of the Jordan river so the million-strong tribe of Israelites could cross.

Once in the land of Canaan, the Israelites, led by Joshua, came to the fortified city of Jericho. God instructed Joshua to march around the city carrying the Ark and blowing trumpets. This they did. After seven days of marching and trumpet blowing, Joshua ordered everyone to shout. They did, and the walls of Jericho tumbled down, allowing the Israelites to storm the city and kill its inhabitants. Jericho was the first of many communities that the Israelites invaded, ransacked, and occupied. The local "heathens" could not stand against the Israelites. The new inhabitants divided up the land and began enjoying their homes.

Eighteenth Sunday, "Worshipping Idols Again"

After Joshua died, the Israelites began misbehaving again. They crafted all sorts of idols and enjoyed worshipping them. God became furious and sent foreign armies "to conquer them, to burn their houses, to steal their children, and drive away their cattle." "Served 'em right for going back on their promises," said Willie.

God promised to help a warrior named Barak fight and conquer an enemy of the Israelites named Sisera. But Barak was afraid, so he asked a woman named Deborah to come with him into battle. They won, but God gave the honor of killing Sisera to a woman named Jael. The wussy Barak was shamed. (...)

The Israelites lived in peace once again, free from invaders....that is, until they started sinning again and god started punishing them again. This time, God sent robbers called Midianites to cause all kinds of mayhem and destruction. God's chosen people prayed for mercy. The Lord sent a man named Gideon and a small army to defeat the Midianites, which they did by simply confusing them with lamps and horns in the middle of the night.

Nineteenth Sunday, "Little Samuel"

A gal named Hannah wanted a baby so badly that she prayed and prayed and prayed and promised God that if he let her get pregnant, she would commit the child to a life of service to the Lord. (I would've advised Hannah to get laid, but what do I know?) God granted Hannah her wish; and as part of the bargain, soon after the baby was born, Hannah dropped him off at a holy place where a crotchety old man named Eli ran things. Eli raised the child. He was a good little helper and a totally righteous dude.

One night, Samuel heard someone call his name. He thought it was Eli and rushed to his side. Eli said "go back to bed, it wasn't me". This happened two more times. After the third time, Eli surmised that the voice must be God's, so he instructed the boy to answer "Speak Lord; for Thy servant heareth" if it were to happen again. When God spoke next, Eli responded and listened as God told him of a lot of terrible things that were going to happen to Eli and his family. Eli was like, "oh well, God is going to do what God wants to do". (think about this for a second....why in the world would God call out Samuel's name in the middle of the night just to watch him run around confused? In the story, God was really messing with the kid...and in the end it was just to tell Eli some bad news)

BTW, Samuel became a prophet who talked to God on a regular basis. The author of the children's Bible reader claims that God is nearer to Christian kids than he was to the prophet Samuel. You see, Christian children can hear the Holy Spirit who speaks to their hearts and tells them to be good, think of God, and pray with all their hearts. "...we must take great care to attend to that voice, or it will leave us off..." (do we really want to encourage children to take seriously the voices in their heads, or think their feelings are not their own?)

Well, the Israelites continued to misbehave, so God punished them again by sending a very powerful army to invade. The Philistines defeated the Israelites, despite Israel's ingenious defensive maneuver-they sent the Ark of the Covenant out into the battle field. This was not a God-approved plan so, of course, it did not succeed. The mighty can of holy whoop-ass did not shoot out of the Ark, a'la Indiana Jones, and turn the enemy into a pile of ashes. Instead, the Philistines captured the Ark. Eli was so shocked when he heard the news that he fell backwards, broke his neck, and died. The Ark cursed the heathen Philistines by making them sick and breaking their idol. So they gave it back. I knew that Ark had some cool powers.

Again, the lesson is "Obey". The author asserts that "We should ask God every day to show us our duty and help us to do His will." Unfortunately, God doesn't call us on the phone every morning and issue our daily duties. He doesn't even email. Instead, adherents have to pay very very close attention for the smallest possible "sign" that God is giving them an answer. Or, they must "listen" to their hearts and hope a stronger than average emotional impulse corresponds to some other fact that, together, reveals the will of God. Or, if they can't figure it out on their own (which is usually the case), Christians turn to their religious leaders for direction, who apparently have a better "connection" with God.

Twentieth Sunday, "Saul Made King"

Oh, this is hilarious. The author begins the new lesson with: "'Any more about Eli and his sons?' asked Willie. 'No, brother, they were dead. Don't you remember?' Said Clara." Haha-was that necessary??

Anyway, this Sunday's lesson tells us about how God led Saul to Samuel and how Samuel made him Israel's first king. That's pretty much it. The author says that "God still makes everything happen, even the least thing; it is all for our good..." ..I have a hard enough time getting my laundry done every week, let alone affecting an infinite number of actions all at once. God IS a busy guy.

Twenty-First Sunday, "Jonathan, Saul's Good, Brave Son"

Jonathan was Saul's son. He was brave. He and a friend tried to fight some Philistine soldiers, but the soldiers ran away thinking that there were more Israelites than just the two. Other Israelites saw that the Philistines were running, so they joined the chase. The soldiers were caught and killed. Jonathan's faith and bravery pleased God. The natural conclusion to draw from this story: "All good, brave boys are helpful to their parents."

Twenty-Second Sunday, "Beautiful Ruth"

There was a woman named Ruth who was Jonathan's great grandmother. She was beautiful. And she was very committed to helping her deceased husband's mother. And she was a very obedient, selfless wife to her second husband Boaz. "Boaz loved Ruth because she was very beautiful," the author writes. Isn't it wonderful that the Bible teaches young girls self esteem and that the good men aren't going to love you unless you're beautiful?

"Child's Bible Reader"-A Critical Review, Part 4

Thirteenth Sunday, "Balaam and the Wicked King"

(stick with me, this is a hard one to follow...but well worth it)

A prophet named Balaam was visited by some rich men who wanted him to return to their city and visit their king, Balak. Balaam prayed to God and asked if he could go. God said no and told him why-Balak just wanted Balaam to curse the children of Israel. But Balaam asked God again because he really really wanted the material rewards offered by King Balak. This time God said OK. (big mistake God, big mistake...)

On the way there, Balaam's ass was afraid and didn't want to continue on. Balaam beat his ass's ass. God spoke out of his ass (literally) and asked Balaam why he was being so mean. Balaam said he wished he had a sword to slay his disobedient ass. Then Balaam saw an angel with a sword-the very thing that was scaring the shit out of the ass. (...WTF?)

The angel told Balaam that he must continue on (another mistake, God), but Balaam would only be able to say what God wanted him to say. Balaam tried to curse Israel once he had met Balak, but only blessings and positive prophecy would come out of his mouth. Balaam did manage to tell Barak that if they were able to get some Israelites to behave badly, then God would surely punish the followers of Moses. (Balaam definitely knows his God...)

So Balak sent a bunch of hot girls to invite the Israelites to a crazy, freaky party. They all came together and got nasty in praise of their false god, Baal Peor. God got angry, sent a deadly sickness, and in one day killed twenty-four thousand people. (at this rate, the Israelites numbers are going to be in the negatives-a loooong way from the goal of 300 sextillion) Aaron's grandson Phinehas appeased God by murdering the wickedest participants and praying and weeping for mercy.

The killing doesn't stop there. Phinehas put together a little army and slew many of Balak's people, including Balaam, and put to death all the wicked women who temped the Israelites.

As the author puts it, "nobody could hurt God's people till they did wrong, and then they hurt themselves, and God punished them."

Punished? "Massacred" would be the world I'd choose to describe what God did to people in the Old Testament on multiple occasions. (its like God is a great helper...if you "punish yourself" by having sex with a stranger and drinking a little too much, God helps out by finishing the job: ending your miserable life...and make your afterlife particularly uncomfortable)

Lesson: OBEY

Fourteenth Sunday, "God Speaks to Moses"

God knows when to pull out all the stops. One occasion was the announcement of the Ten Commandments. What he did was make a bunch of smoke and lightning, and created a big racket with rumbling thunder and loud trumpet-like voices. God spoke for everyone to hear the Ten Commandments (in a very masculine, assertive tone, I'm sure).

After the big show, God was like, "Hey Moses, come have a chat." So Moses spent some private time with the Big Guy. Moses and God were tight.

Later, Moses and the Israelites built a special tent called the "Tabernacle" to use as storage for the Ten Commandments. The chest in which the plates were kept is called The Ark of the Covenant (remember Indiana Jones?). Various holy rituals were to be performed at the Tabernacle, like burning animal flesh so God could smell the savory sent...

Moses went up into the Mountains and spent 40 days there. In the meantime, the Israelites got really really impatient. They wanted something fun to do, so they took all their gold, melted it down, and made a golden idol to worship and party around.

Now, hold on a second. I'm no Israelite, but if I had witnessed the big sound and lights show, and heard God's own voice declare "thou shall have no other gods before me", I would probably find it easy to NOT make a golden idol and prance around it in plain view of Mount Sinai and God. Especially considering God's record and his "itchy trigger finger", so to speak. I'm just saying...

When Moses came down from the mountain and saw what the Israelites were doing, he put the back of his hand against his head and was exclaimed, "Its just no use!" He then took the commandments that had been written by God's own magic finger, and threw them to the ground, shattered them into little pieces. So, if you catch your kids breaking the rules, do what Moses would do and take that damned rule book and throw it out the window, because rules that can't be kept are no good to anyone.

Fifteenth Sunday, "How Moses Saw God"

Moses went to God and apologized profusely for his people...and asked for another set of Ten Commandments. "Oops, sorry, can I get another?" God was like, "Yo, no biggy, here you go". And then things got awkward. Moses said to God, "I pray Thee, show me Thy glory." (actual quote this time) God said, "No, you can't handle my glory." But Moses got just a little glimpse of God's glory anyway, and it turned his face all shiny, and he went down to the Israelites after forty more days with the Ten Commandments, all smiley and shiny faced.

(I suppose its true-the Old Testament is more A Story, than A Moral Guide. But still, there's a whole lot here to make fun of, er, I mean critique)

The Israelites made their way toward the land of Canaan. A few scouts checked it out and returned with news, saying that Canaan was too strong a place to take by force. Most of the Israelites got really upset about this fact. They whined about God not keeping his promise, and even threw stones at Moses and Aaron. God was about to smite them all when Moses once again stepped in and successfully checked God's wrath. You see, despite everything we've read, God isn't all that bad. God said so himself. He said, "The Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering, and abundant in goodness and truth." If God says it, it must be true. Anyway, instead of smiting all the bitchy, whiny Israelites, God made them stay in the wilderness for 40 more years.

Lesson: Obey. "(The Israelites) lost an earthly home, where they could live but a short time. We loose an everlasting home in heaven (when we misbehave)."

"Child's Bible Reader"-A Critical Review, Part 3

Fifth Sunday, "How Esau Lost His Birthright"

Isaac, son of Abraham, had two sons of his own, Esau and Jacob. Abraham loved the eldest, Esau, the most. Esau was expected to own the birthright (God's promise of land and a gazillion offspring) after Abraham passed away.

As the story goes, Esau showed up at his brother Jacob's place "half dead" from hunger, so he did what anyone would do and offered his birthright to Jacob for a bowl of soup. Jacob thought it was a fair exchange, so they shook hands.

Sometime down the road, an old, blind Isaac decided it was time to give the blessing of all fatherly blessings to Esau (it doesn't appear as though Isaac found out about the soup incident). He told Esau to go get some meat so they could have a feast for the occasion. While Esau was gone, Jacob snuck in and fooled his blind father. He pretended to be Esau, and successfully robbed Esau of the AMAZING blessing that bestowed the right to the promised land and all those kids. Everyone was super upset when they found out what happened, but what was done was done. There are no take backs once a blessing is bestowed.

The moral to this story, according to the author, is don't "trifle away the inheritance of the kingdom of heaven" like Esau did. "We must have faith, and show it by taking care that things we like on earth do not make us lose the better things in heaven."

You might have thought the moral to the story would be something like "Its ok to be a conniving prick like Jacob", but you would have been wrong. God didn't see it that way. After Jacob fled into the wilderness (people were a little angry with him), God came to him in a dream and reassured him everything was cool, that God would always be with him, and that sooner or later, he'd get to return home. Jacob was so stoked he poured some olive oil on a stone (trust me, this means he was really really stoked) and promised to give God 10% of everything he earned. The author says that good people should be like Jacob. Anna, a little girl who is fictionally listening to this lesson spoke up and declared, "I have dreams, too, sometimes...and I see everything." Who knows, maybe Anna will someday found her own religion featuring Barbies, unicorns, and talking kitties?

Sixth Sunday, "Joseph in Egypt"

Jacob gave his favorite son, Joseph, a coat of many colors. Joseph's brothers were jealous and hated him. Most wanted to kill him, but they sold him as a slave to a band of merchants instead. The brothers put blood on Joseph's coat and returned to their father. They told Jacob that Joseph had been killed by a wild animal. Jacob cried. Nice story.

Joseph was a kick-ass slave. With God at his side, he became known for his good work and he became loved and trusted by his master. The lesson, according to the author, is: if you want to succeed at something, do your best. And try to be trustworthy. Isn't the Bible full of unique and marvelous wisdom? "Do your best," I would never have thought of that...

Seventh Sunday, "Joseph's Brothers"

Joseph interpreted a dream for the Pharaoh which predicted seven years of bounty and seven years of famine. The Pharaoh made Joseph a great lord. During the famine, Joseph's brothers came to Egypt to get some food. Joseph found out about them, but they didn't know who he was. Joseph had his family do some stuff to make sure they had become better people since last they sold him as a slave. In the end, Joseph revealed who he was, he forgave everyone, and his father and all his family were sooooo happy.

Moral of the story: "Jesus said we must do good to those who treat us meanly, and that we must love our enemies. That makes them our friends." In the next lesson, we learn how the descendants of Jacob(Israel) fail to make friends of the people who treat them meanly, and instead, run away.

Eighth Sunday, "The Baby in The River"

Ninth Sunday, The Plagues of Egypt"

Tenth Sunday, "Easter Day"

Eleventh Sunday, "Wicked Men Swallowed Up"

Twelfth Sunday, "Moses Bringing Water Out of the Rock"

(See "The Ten Commandments" starring Charleton Heston)

Here are some highlights:

• The King of Egypt orders all boys born of the children of Israel drowned
• God showed the stubborn king of Egypt his power by turning the river into blood; at different times sending frogs, lice, and stinging flies; making the sheep and cows fall sick and die; giving people sores and boils; sending a terrible storm; bringing a plague of locusts that ate every living plant; turning out ALL the lights; and finally a committing genocide of all the eldest sons of Egyptian families. (the author writes, "'That was a good story, Auntie,' said Clara, 'and it teaches us that we must obey God or be punished.'"
• An Israelite named Korah thought that everyone should be considered holy, not just the chosen priest, and should have the right to offer sacrifices or incense. God dealt with this political maverick and the two hundred and fifty men who believed as he did by scorching them all to death. In our book, a child deduced "...we must do what God wants us to," "Yes, and mind our own business."
• God wouldn't put up with bitching and moaning by his chosen people. He punished them repeatedly, including sending poisonous serpents who bit and killed them.

"Child's Bible Reader"-A Critical Review, Part 2

Ok, back to business. First though, I have to remind myself and you, the reader, that my primary goal is to deconstruct the stories of the Bible as presented in "Child's Bible Reader" in order to determine what messages, if any, are being sent to the children who hear them. In the process, I hope to reacquaint myself with the Bible. In other words, the readability of this blog takes a back seat to analysis.

Third Sunday, "The Rainbow"

In review, God killed off all the wicked people of the world with a global flood and saved Noah, his family, and two of every creature. Next, he sent Noah and future generations of people a sign to reassure them that they wouldn't have to worry about any more killer floods. He promised he'd abstain from committing planeticide again for a long, long time....at least until the end of time, when HE'D DESTROY THE WORLD WITH FIRE! (true story) Every time we see a rainbow, we should be reminded of that fabulous promise. Thanks God, thanks a lot...what a swell guy.

The natural lesson to be drawn from this story, according to the author, is "We should recollect [the promise], and put our trust in Him, and be thankful when we see the beautiful rainbow that the work of the Almighty has made..."

The author goes on to tell her audience about Abraham, about how God selected him from a world of (again) many many wicked people to be, in essence, the father of God's chosen people. God promised Abraham that his descendants would number more than all the grains of sand on all the beaches of the world, or more than all the stars in the sky. (I'm sure Abraham was like, "Wow, just what I always wanted!-Thanks!" ...by the way, the number of stars in the sky, according to scientists, is several hundred billion at a minimum and possibly as much as 300 sextillion, or three trillion times 100 billion. The number of grains of sand on Earth is estimated at seven quintillion five quadrillion. Incidentally, stars may outnumber grains of sand, 100-1. Try to wrap your brain around that one-I know I can't.)

Back to the children's story. So, God promised Abraham that he'd have AT LEAST 300 sextillion descendants. Abraham had a hard time believing God, particularly because Abraham didn't have a home or a single kid at the time. Still, he believed anyway. Which is our lesson this Sunday. As the author puts it, "...we must obey God, just as soldiers on the land and sea obey without asking the reason."

Next, we continue to follow the adventures of Abraham and his nephew Lot. Its important to know that the tribes of the two men began to quarrel, so Abraham decided the families must separate. God loves peace. End lesson.

Fourth Sunday, "Lot's Wonderful Escape"

Lot "wonderfully" escaped from cities that were completely destroyed, their wicked inhabitants killed with fire and brimstone sent by God. Lot and his family were forewarned of the destruction by two angels(?). He was told to "look not behind thee". Unfortunately, Lot's wife looked "behind thee", and was turned into a pillar of salt. Oh well, collateral damage can't be avoided, especially when God is pissed. The author says we should think of what happened to Lot's wife "when we are tempted to think it hard to give up anything pleasant, because we are told it is wrong, and may put us in danger of destruction."

On a side note, I'm a little surprised that the Child's Bible Reader didn't stick with the adventures of Lot, because, if I recall correctly, it was immediately after the fire and brimstone/salt pyre episode that Lot's own daughters seduced him and had sex with him. Surely there's a lesson to be had in that story...

I think the next story the author tells is so AWESOME, it deserves to be quoted, word for word.

(Abraham is overjoyed to finally have a son...)

"But then God called Abraham to do a strange and terrible thing. He was to go and take his dear son Isaac to the top of a hill, and there to offer him up to God, as if he had been a calf or lamb. Of course, in general, to do such a thing would be shockingly wicked; but Abraham knew that when God commanded a thing it must be right to do as he was bidden, however dreadful it was to him. ((right, I'll go ahead an blow myself up in this crowd of Jews now))

"So they set out together. Abraham took the knife and a vessel with fire in it, and Isaac carried the wood with which the sacrifice was to be burnt. On the way Isaac said, 'My father, behold the fire and the wood; but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?' And Abraham answered, 'My son, God will provide Himself a lamb for a burnt offering.'

"Isaac soon knew he was to be the lamb, for his father put the wood in order and bound his limbs and took the knife. And Isaac did not complain or struggle. We was ready, like his father, to do the will of God."

Long story short, God said "Just kidding! You can put the knife down now." God wanted to make sure Abraham was ready and willing to do ANYTHING for him. The children who hear this story are expected to have the same faith, commitment, and abject disregard for self interest and human decency as Abraham had.

The final lesson this Sunday comes from the story of how Isaac got hitched. Isaac's father Abraham sent his servant to a city far away to find and buy a wife for his son. They found a beautiful young lady, Rebekah, by a well who proved to be generous with her water and help (she drew water for the servants' camels). The servant was invited back to the girls house, where he gave Rebekah some gold jewelry and talked to her parents. He convinced them to let her go join their tribe and marry Isaac. She arrived at the Abraham's camp, saw Isaac, and went into his mother's tent with him, where he made her his wife...wink, wink.

This is great: The book is written as though the author is telling these stories to children who are present in a gathering. I love this. After the Rebekah story, the author writes, "'That was a pretty story' said Clara, "and I think it teaches us that when God calls we should obey, as Rebekah did'."

Wow. Just Wow.

"Child's Bible Reader"-A Critical Review

About a year ago, I came across an old illustrated "Child's Bible Reader" at a thrift store. I just had to own it. My disdain for the indoctrination of children with teachings from the Bible has only grown over the years. Its become more and more apparent to me what a poor moral textbook the Bible makes, and what a crime it is to seize and mold the innocent minds of children with nonsense. I thought it would be very interesting to crack open this book and thoroughly examine the stories contained within, to get a fresh look at what children are still being taught in churches today. This time I'd do so as a critically minded, free adult instead of a wide-eyed, impressionable child.

The book is titled "Child's Bible Reader" and authored by Charlotte M. Young. It was published in 1956 by The Southwestern Company of Nashville, Tennessee. Its a finely made book "embellished with nearly 100 fine engravings, color plates, half-tones, woodcuts, and pen drawings." Behind the front cover of the book is a handwritten note; "To Deanie, from Grandpa and Gramma, Please read it, Jackson." Let's take a look and see what Grandma and Grandpa really wanted Deanie to know:

(The book presents a lesson for each of the 52 Sundays in a year)

First Sunday, "The Making of the World"

Apparently, before Deanie becomes a stand-up citizen and honorable young man, he first needs some lessons in astronomy, geology, and biology. In the first week, he learns that the Earth's birthday is Sunday, that men and women were made out of dust, that the reason God created us is for his own glory and honor, and that Adam and Eve lived in the most happy and beautiful place-the Garden of Eden.

Its interesting to note that there really isn't a moral lesson here. We just have a case of religion trying to be science, and doing an absolutely horrible job of it. I suppose the reader can see that God can do things like a magician with a wand, "alakazaam!", which IS pretty exciting, though somewhat lacking in instruction.

The author does seize the opportunity to tell children, "We shall never be as happy as (Adam and Eve) were while we are living in this world; but if we will try to obey God and trust in Christ and live holy lives, He will take us to heaven, and that will be still better than the Garden of Eden."

I can't decide which is worse; convincing children that this life isn't meant to be all that happy, that its only preparation for some better life, or making scientific claims when there is no basis to do so. Ok, maybe its the former.

Second Sunday, "How Sin Began"

This week, Deanie learns "how sin began and the world grew wicked". It all started when a snake came slithering up to Eve and convinced her that the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge was in fact good, that it would make her wise, and that she would not die. Which was true! It was God who had lied-he had said Adam and Eve would die if they ate the fruit. Needless to say, they didn't. Instead, God had pity on them (I would too, being set up and lied to) and just kicked them out of the Garden.

We can derive a lesson from this madness. NEVER go against God's direct commandments, no matter what sort of reason or truth someone confronts you with. What matters above all else is doing what God commands.

In this section of the book, readers also learn that Adam and Eve's descendants were really really wicked-so wicked that God decided all needed to die. So he drowned every living creature save for two of each species and one lucky family. With Noah's story, the authors lets the reader know that God insists upon our obedience and absolute faith.

Its almost too easy to criticize Genesis, but its important to because most believers don't see anything wrong or twisted with the stories of the Old Testament. There can be no other explanation for this shocking blindness than indoctrination in its purest form, which is nearly indistinguishable from hypnotism or brainwashing. In just two lessons we've already seen that God's only concern is glorifying himself. He's willing to lie, murder, and change his mind in order to control us completely, as a master controls a slave. The story of the flood, for millions of people, is historical truth. And for nearly every Christian, Jew, and Muslim, even those who don't take the Old Testament literally, these stories are so valuable, they are so revered, that they're taught to the most innocent, impressionable members of society-the HOPE of the future-our children.