"Child's Bible Reader"-A Critical Review, Part 3

Fifth Sunday, "How Esau Lost His Birthright"

Isaac, son of Abraham, had two sons of his own, Esau and Jacob. Abraham loved the eldest, Esau, the most. Esau was expected to own the birthright (God's promise of land and a gazillion offspring) after Abraham passed away.

As the story goes, Esau showed up at his brother Jacob's place "half dead" from hunger, so he did what anyone would do and offered his birthright to Jacob for a bowl of soup. Jacob thought it was a fair exchange, so they shook hands.

Sometime down the road, an old, blind Isaac decided it was time to give the blessing of all fatherly blessings to Esau (it doesn't appear as though Isaac found out about the soup incident). He told Esau to go get some meat so they could have a feast for the occasion. While Esau was gone, Jacob snuck in and fooled his blind father. He pretended to be Esau, and successfully robbed Esau of the AMAZING blessing that bestowed the right to the promised land and all those kids. Everyone was super upset when they found out what happened, but what was done was done. There are no take backs once a blessing is bestowed.

The moral to this story, according to the author, is don't "trifle away the inheritance of the kingdom of heaven" like Esau did. "We must have faith, and show it by taking care that things we like on earth do not make us lose the better things in heaven."

You might have thought the moral to the story would be something like "Its ok to be a conniving prick like Jacob", but you would have been wrong. God didn't see it that way. After Jacob fled into the wilderness (people were a little angry with him), God came to him in a dream and reassured him everything was cool, that God would always be with him, and that sooner or later, he'd get to return home. Jacob was so stoked he poured some olive oil on a stone (trust me, this means he was really really stoked) and promised to give God 10% of everything he earned. The author says that good people should be like Jacob. Anna, a little girl who is fictionally listening to this lesson spoke up and declared, "I have dreams, too, sometimes...and I see everything." Who knows, maybe Anna will someday found her own religion featuring Barbies, unicorns, and talking kitties?

Sixth Sunday, "Joseph in Egypt"

Jacob gave his favorite son, Joseph, a coat of many colors. Joseph's brothers were jealous and hated him. Most wanted to kill him, but they sold him as a slave to a band of merchants instead. The brothers put blood on Joseph's coat and returned to their father. They told Jacob that Joseph had been killed by a wild animal. Jacob cried. Nice story.

Joseph was a kick-ass slave. With God at his side, he became known for his good work and he became loved and trusted by his master. The lesson, according to the author, is: if you want to succeed at something, do your best. And try to be trustworthy. Isn't the Bible full of unique and marvelous wisdom? "Do your best," I would never have thought of that...

Seventh Sunday, "Joseph's Brothers"

Joseph interpreted a dream for the Pharaoh which predicted seven years of bounty and seven years of famine. The Pharaoh made Joseph a great lord. During the famine, Joseph's brothers came to Egypt to get some food. Joseph found out about them, but they didn't know who he was. Joseph had his family do some stuff to make sure they had become better people since last they sold him as a slave. In the end, Joseph revealed who he was, he forgave everyone, and his father and all his family were sooooo happy.

Moral of the story: "Jesus said we must do good to those who treat us meanly, and that we must love our enemies. That makes them our friends." In the next lesson, we learn how the descendants of Jacob(Israel) fail to make friends of the people who treat them meanly, and instead, run away.

Eighth Sunday, "The Baby in The River"

Ninth Sunday, The Plagues of Egypt"

Tenth Sunday, "Easter Day"

Eleventh Sunday, "Wicked Men Swallowed Up"

Twelfth Sunday, "Moses Bringing Water Out of the Rock"

(See "The Ten Commandments" starring Charleton Heston)

Here are some highlights:

• The King of Egypt orders all boys born of the children of Israel drowned
• God showed the stubborn king of Egypt his power by turning the river into blood; at different times sending frogs, lice, and stinging flies; making the sheep and cows fall sick and die; giving people sores and boils; sending a terrible storm; bringing a plague of locusts that ate every living plant; turning out ALL the lights; and finally a committing genocide of all the eldest sons of Egyptian families. (the author writes, "'That was a good story, Auntie,' said Clara, 'and it teaches us that we must obey God or be punished.'"
• An Israelite named Korah thought that everyone should be considered holy, not just the chosen priest, and should have the right to offer sacrifices or incense. God dealt with this political maverick and the two hundred and fifty men who believed as he did by scorching them all to death. In our book, a child deduced "...we must do what God wants us to," "Yes, and mind our own business."
• God wouldn't put up with bitching and moaning by his chosen people. He punished them repeatedly, including sending poisonous serpents who bit and killed them.