"Child's Bible Reader"-A Critical Review, Part 2

Ok, back to business. First though, I have to remind myself and you, the reader, that my primary goal is to deconstruct the stories of the Bible as presented in "Child's Bible Reader" in order to determine what messages, if any, are being sent to the children who hear them. In the process, I hope to reacquaint myself with the Bible. In other words, the readability of this blog takes a back seat to analysis.

Third Sunday, "The Rainbow"

In review, God killed off all the wicked people of the world with a global flood and saved Noah, his family, and two of every creature. Next, he sent Noah and future generations of people a sign to reassure them that they wouldn't have to worry about any more killer floods. He promised he'd abstain from committing planeticide again for a long, long time....at least until the end of time, when HE'D DESTROY THE WORLD WITH FIRE! (true story) Every time we see a rainbow, we should be reminded of that fabulous promise. Thanks God, thanks a lot...what a swell guy.

The natural lesson to be drawn from this story, according to the author, is "We should recollect [the promise], and put our trust in Him, and be thankful when we see the beautiful rainbow that the work of the Almighty has made..."

The author goes on to tell her audience about Abraham, about how God selected him from a world of (again) many many wicked people to be, in essence, the father of God's chosen people. God promised Abraham that his descendants would number more than all the grains of sand on all the beaches of the world, or more than all the stars in the sky. (I'm sure Abraham was like, "Wow, just what I always wanted!-Thanks!" ...by the way, the number of stars in the sky, according to scientists, is several hundred billion at a minimum and possibly as much as 300 sextillion, or three trillion times 100 billion. The number of grains of sand on Earth is estimated at seven quintillion five quadrillion. Incidentally, stars may outnumber grains of sand, 100-1. Try to wrap your brain around that one-I know I can't.)

Back to the children's story. So, God promised Abraham that he'd have AT LEAST 300 sextillion descendants. Abraham had a hard time believing God, particularly because Abraham didn't have a home or a single kid at the time. Still, he believed anyway. Which is our lesson this Sunday. As the author puts it, "...we must obey God, just as soldiers on the land and sea obey without asking the reason."

Next, we continue to follow the adventures of Abraham and his nephew Lot. Its important to know that the tribes of the two men began to quarrel, so Abraham decided the families must separate. God loves peace. End lesson.

Fourth Sunday, "Lot's Wonderful Escape"

Lot "wonderfully" escaped from cities that were completely destroyed, their wicked inhabitants killed with fire and brimstone sent by God. Lot and his family were forewarned of the destruction by two angels(?). He was told to "look not behind thee". Unfortunately, Lot's wife looked "behind thee", and was turned into a pillar of salt. Oh well, collateral damage can't be avoided, especially when God is pissed. The author says we should think of what happened to Lot's wife "when we are tempted to think it hard to give up anything pleasant, because we are told it is wrong, and may put us in danger of destruction."

On a side note, I'm a little surprised that the Child's Bible Reader didn't stick with the adventures of Lot, because, if I recall correctly, it was immediately after the fire and brimstone/salt pyre episode that Lot's own daughters seduced him and had sex with him. Surely there's a lesson to be had in that story...

I think the next story the author tells is so AWESOME, it deserves to be quoted, word for word.

(Abraham is overjoyed to finally have a son...)

"But then God called Abraham to do a strange and terrible thing. He was to go and take his dear son Isaac to the top of a hill, and there to offer him up to God, as if he had been a calf or lamb. Of course, in general, to do such a thing would be shockingly wicked; but Abraham knew that when God commanded a thing it must be right to do as he was bidden, however dreadful it was to him. ((right, I'll go ahead an blow myself up in this crowd of Jews now))

"So they set out together. Abraham took the knife and a vessel with fire in it, and Isaac carried the wood with which the sacrifice was to be burnt. On the way Isaac said, 'My father, behold the fire and the wood; but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?' And Abraham answered, 'My son, God will provide Himself a lamb for a burnt offering.'

"Isaac soon knew he was to be the lamb, for his father put the wood in order and bound his limbs and took the knife. And Isaac did not complain or struggle. We was ready, like his father, to do the will of God."

Long story short, God said "Just kidding! You can put the knife down now." God wanted to make sure Abraham was ready and willing to do ANYTHING for him. The children who hear this story are expected to have the same faith, commitment, and abject disregard for self interest and human decency as Abraham had.

The final lesson this Sunday comes from the story of how Isaac got hitched. Isaac's father Abraham sent his servant to a city far away to find and buy a wife for his son. They found a beautiful young lady, Rebekah, by a well who proved to be generous with her water and help (she drew water for the servants' camels). The servant was invited back to the girls house, where he gave Rebekah some gold jewelry and talked to her parents. He convinced them to let her go join their tribe and marry Isaac. She arrived at the Abraham's camp, saw Isaac, and went into his mother's tent with him, where he made her his wife...wink, wink.

This is great: The book is written as though the author is telling these stories to children who are present in a gathering. I love this. After the Rebekah story, the author writes, "'That was a pretty story' said Clara, "and I think it teaches us that when God calls we should obey, as Rebekah did'."

Wow. Just Wow.