"Child's Bible Reader"-A Critical Review, Part 5

Sixteenth Sunday, "God's Anger At Moses"

Despite what you might think, Moses did not receive special treatment from God. Moses made the mistake of striking a rock with his staff instead of speaking to the rock to make water flow from it as God had instructed. Whoops!

God forgave Moses, but there was no escaping punishment for the holy man. Moses was denied the very thing every Israelite wanted the most-arriving in the promised land, finally, after so many years, after so much heartache and toil. The compassionate God allowed Moses a peek of the beautiful valley from afar before letting the old prophet die in the wilderness. The great Moses never set foot in the promised land, and for his single mistake, he was buried in an unmarked grave in the wilderness. The author reminds children that "one sin is enough to destroy us. It is terrible to disobey God." With God, its one strike and you're out.

Seventeenth Sunday, "Crossing Over Jordan"

God parted the waters of the Jordan river so the million-strong tribe of Israelites could cross.

Once in the land of Canaan, the Israelites, led by Joshua, came to the fortified city of Jericho. God instructed Joshua to march around the city carrying the Ark and blowing trumpets. This they did. After seven days of marching and trumpet blowing, Joshua ordered everyone to shout. They did, and the walls of Jericho tumbled down, allowing the Israelites to storm the city and kill its inhabitants. Jericho was the first of many communities that the Israelites invaded, ransacked, and occupied. The local "heathens" could not stand against the Israelites. The new inhabitants divided up the land and began enjoying their homes.

Eighteenth Sunday, "Worshipping Idols Again"

After Joshua died, the Israelites began misbehaving again. They crafted all sorts of idols and enjoyed worshipping them. God became furious and sent foreign armies "to conquer them, to burn their houses, to steal their children, and drive away their cattle." "Served 'em right for going back on their promises," said Willie.

God promised to help a warrior named Barak fight and conquer an enemy of the Israelites named Sisera. But Barak was afraid, so he asked a woman named Deborah to come with him into battle. They won, but God gave the honor of killing Sisera to a woman named Jael. The wussy Barak was shamed. (...)

The Israelites lived in peace once again, free from invaders....that is, until they started sinning again and god started punishing them again. This time, God sent robbers called Midianites to cause all kinds of mayhem and destruction. God's chosen people prayed for mercy. The Lord sent a man named Gideon and a small army to defeat the Midianites, which they did by simply confusing them with lamps and horns in the middle of the night.

Nineteenth Sunday, "Little Samuel"

A gal named Hannah wanted a baby so badly that she prayed and prayed and prayed and promised God that if he let her get pregnant, she would commit the child to a life of service to the Lord. (I would've advised Hannah to get laid, but what do I know?) God granted Hannah her wish; and as part of the bargain, soon after the baby was born, Hannah dropped him off at a holy place where a crotchety old man named Eli ran things. Eli raised the child. He was a good little helper and a totally righteous dude.

One night, Samuel heard someone call his name. He thought it was Eli and rushed to his side. Eli said "go back to bed, it wasn't me". This happened two more times. After the third time, Eli surmised that the voice must be God's, so he instructed the boy to answer "Speak Lord; for Thy servant heareth" if it were to happen again. When God spoke next, Eli responded and listened as God told him of a lot of terrible things that were going to happen to Eli and his family. Eli was like, "oh well, God is going to do what God wants to do". (think about this for a second....why in the world would God call out Samuel's name in the middle of the night just to watch him run around confused? In the story, God was really messing with the kid...and in the end it was just to tell Eli some bad news)

BTW, Samuel became a prophet who talked to God on a regular basis. The author of the children's Bible reader claims that God is nearer to Christian kids than he was to the prophet Samuel. You see, Christian children can hear the Holy Spirit who speaks to their hearts and tells them to be good, think of God, and pray with all their hearts. "...we must take great care to attend to that voice, or it will leave us off..." (do we really want to encourage children to take seriously the voices in their heads, or think their feelings are not their own?)

Well, the Israelites continued to misbehave, so God punished them again by sending a very powerful army to invade. The Philistines defeated the Israelites, despite Israel's ingenious defensive maneuver-they sent the Ark of the Covenant out into the battle field. This was not a God-approved plan so, of course, it did not succeed. The mighty can of holy whoop-ass did not shoot out of the Ark, a'la Indiana Jones, and turn the enemy into a pile of ashes. Instead, the Philistines captured the Ark. Eli was so shocked when he heard the news that he fell backwards, broke his neck, and died. The Ark cursed the heathen Philistines by making them sick and breaking their idol. So they gave it back. I knew that Ark had some cool powers.

Again, the lesson is "Obey". The author asserts that "We should ask God every day to show us our duty and help us to do His will." Unfortunately, God doesn't call us on the phone every morning and issue our daily duties. He doesn't even email. Instead, adherents have to pay very very close attention for the smallest possible "sign" that God is giving them an answer. Or, they must "listen" to their hearts and hope a stronger than average emotional impulse corresponds to some other fact that, together, reveals the will of God. Or, if they can't figure it out on their own (which is usually the case), Christians turn to their religious leaders for direction, who apparently have a better "connection" with God.

Twentieth Sunday, "Saul Made King"

Oh, this is hilarious. The author begins the new lesson with: "'Any more about Eli and his sons?' asked Willie. 'No, brother, they were dead. Don't you remember?' Said Clara." Haha-was that necessary??

Anyway, this Sunday's lesson tells us about how God led Saul to Samuel and how Samuel made him Israel's first king. That's pretty much it. The author says that "God still makes everything happen, even the least thing; it is all for our good..." ..I have a hard enough time getting my laundry done every week, let alone affecting an infinite number of actions all at once. God IS a busy guy.

Twenty-First Sunday, "Jonathan, Saul's Good, Brave Son"

Jonathan was Saul's son. He was brave. He and a friend tried to fight some Philistine soldiers, but the soldiers ran away thinking that there were more Israelites than just the two. Other Israelites saw that the Philistines were running, so they joined the chase. The soldiers were caught and killed. Jonathan's faith and bravery pleased God. The natural conclusion to draw from this story: "All good, brave boys are helpful to their parents."

Twenty-Second Sunday, "Beautiful Ruth"

There was a woman named Ruth who was Jonathan's great grandmother. She was beautiful. And she was very committed to helping her deceased husband's mother. And she was a very obedient, selfless wife to her second husband Boaz. "Boaz loved Ruth because she was very beautiful," the author writes. Isn't it wonderful that the Bible teaches young girls self esteem and that the good men aren't going to love you unless you're beautiful?