"Child's Bible Reader"-A Critical Review, Part 7

Thirtieth Sunday, "Reading Lessons from the Bible"

In this lesson, the author announces to her fictional class of young listeners that instead of reading the next several stories to the class as usual, the children will be expected to do the reading on their own time. (my guess is that she's finding these stories exacerbating too). But the author does touch upon some of the content in the Bible readings that she assigned.

The kids will learn about the next king of Israel, Rehoboam, and how the "ten tribes" split from the kingdom.

They'll also learn that a wicked prophet was eaten by a lion for disobeying God.

Next, the children will learn about Elijah. They'll learn about how he was fed by a crow and a poor widow, and how he made the widow's oil and food last throughout a long famine. The story of Elijah continues with a description of how a fire shot down from heaven and consumed his offering (offering sacrifices to God is like feeding a dragon at the zoo!). Elijah then killed 400 false prophets of Baal. Queen Jezebel tried to hunt down Elijah, but he ran into the wilderness where he almost died of starvation. Luckily, an angel came down and gave him food.

The class will read about Queen Jezebel and how she had a poor man killed in order to take possession of his vineyard, and how the man's own dogs licked up his blood. The queen's husband Ahab was later killed in battle, and the dogs licked up his blood too. Finally, Queen Jezebel herself died when she was thrown down from a window. This time, the dogs had themselves a meal (all of these stories are like feeding time at the zoo, Stephen King style).

Elijah escaped death by dog when a chariot and horses of fire taxied him up to heaven. The next prophet was Elijah's friend Elisha. Elisha had so much faith that he raised a woman's son from the dead.

Thirty-first Sunday, "How a Little Girl Did Great Good"

There was a young Israelite girl who was abducted by Syrian soldiers and sold to a captain named Naaman. The captain contracted leprosy; and the girl, concerned for her master, told him of a prophet back in Israel who could cure him. When Naaman met the prophet, he was told to wash in the River Jordan seven times. Initially, Naaman was upset. He felt slighted and had expected instantaneous results. But the captain's servants convinced him to do as the prophet said; and low and behold, Naaman was cured. The lessons here for the kiddies are 1) "do good now by trying to get people who are wicked to come to Jesus and be cured of their sins." (although this is not what happened in the story...), and 2) "Every one has the leprosy of sin, and Jesus can cure it, and will do so if we will do as He tells us."

Thirty-Second Sunday, "Good King Hezekiah"

Most kings had been super bad, but Hezekiah was a good king who only worshipped God and did everything the way he wanted. A powerful Assyrian army had been busy conquering the surrounding area, and they had Jerusalem in their sights. Everyone got worried. Hezekiah prayed to God and praised his name. God killed the entire Assyrian army while the soldiers slept. Nuff said. Lesson: If you're afraid or worried, open your heart to God and ask him for help. He's there for ya, ready to open up a can of whoop-ass.

Thirty-Third Sunday, "The Good King Josiah"

King Hezekiah's son and grandson were both wicked. But his great-grandson, Josiah, was a good feller. He made everyone get rid of their idols, purified the temple, and started worshipping the Lord all proper like. While straightening things up, the Israelites happened upon the Book of the Law of Moses. Someone had set it down a few decades back and everyone just completely forgot about it (the temple must have been a messy place). King Josiah was shocked, as were his people. They realized how wicked they had been. But it was too late, God had made up his mind to punish them. Knowing that God didn't hold back when it came to laying down the law, King Josiah begged God for mercy. The two came to a compromise. Punishment would not happen during the king's life...but eventually, BAM, it would come. Sure enough, a couple of generations later, the Lord let the army of Nebuchadnezzar "kill many of the people, and put out the king's eyes, and burn the king's house and the holy Temple and the city, and carry the people away to be his slaves." Bet those Israelites will think twice before they go and lose their Bible under a pile of dirty clothes again. Lesson: Again, don't f*ck with God.

Thirty-Fourth Sunday, "Daniel and His Brave Companions"

The king of Babylon, Nebuchadnezzar, made three young Israelite princes his personal slaves. When the boys refused to eat the unholy meat ("unholy" because it had been used as offerings to an idol) that their Babylonian master and other servants prepared, the king warned them against getting thin and weak. They trusted that God would allow them to thrive off of beans and water alone, which they did. Lesson: When you are tempted by things you are not allowed to have, remember the example of those good boys and think of what they gave up to obey God.

So these Jewish slaves grew up and were well thought of by their master the king. The other servants were jealous. Knowing that the Jews would refuse to worship an idol, the servants convinced the king to create an idol and demand that everyone worship it or be thrown in a fire. The Jewish slaves stood up to the king and said, essentially, "No we won't bow down to the idol. You can throw us in the fire if you want, but our god will save us." Well, that's basically what happened. The king turned up the heat and threw them in, but not a hair was singed on their heads. The Son of God himself made an appearance and protected the men in the fire. The king was like, "Oh crap, I screwed up" and immediately commanded all to respect the god of the Jews. Lesson: Be brave and do what is right.

Thirty-Fifth Sunday, "The Great Things That Daniel Did"

Daniel, a great prophet, interpreted a dream that disturbed King Nebuchadnezzar. Daniel told the King that he would one day loose his mind and be thrown from his palace into the fields where he'd live like an animal for seven years. Nebuchadnezzar forgot about Daniel's prophecy until one day, when he was feeling particularly proud of himself and his kingdom, a voice announced that the time had come. Instantly, the King became as senseless as an ox. He stayed that way for seven years, just as Daniel had prophesied. At the end of the allotted time, the king regained his sanity and his throne. His first act was to tell his people to honor Daniel's god, who "putteth down and setteth up." Lesson: Don't be too proud of your accomplishments, because God really is far better than you, and if you don't give him the glory, you'll be eating grass for seven years...

So... The next king, the son of Nebuchadnezzar, Belshazzar, was especially pompous and self pleasing. He ignored threats of invasion and partied instead. The king and his buds were really enjoying themselves when, out of nowhere, a disembodied hand appeared and wrote something on the wall. Daniel was the only one who could read the writing. He told Belshazzar what it said; that the king was no good and that his kingdom would be taken from him. And sure enough, the Persians invaded that night and killed the king.

King Cyrus of the Persians was good to the Jews. His son-in-law Darius actually made Daniel second in command. The followers of Darius treated the king like a God. They asked Darius to make a law that required everyone to pray only to him for thirty days or be thrown to the lions. Of course Daniel would only honor the "true" god. When King Darius was told of Daniel's disobedience, he was saddened but had no choice but to allow the punishment. An angel closed the mouths of the lion and Daniel was spared. The spiteful men who set up Daniel were thrown into the lion's den instead and were promptly eaten. Lesson: "How glad we should be that we can say our prayers safe and unhurt; and how careful we should be never to miss them out of idleness, if Daniel would not miss them out of fear."

Thirty-sixth Sunday, "Five Hundred Years of Jewish History"

The Jews who were allowed to return to Jerusalem stayed busy rebuilding the temple and fighting off invaders. There were constantly ruled by outsiders-the Greeks, Syrians, Egyptians, etc, etc. They did their best to practice their religion while paying tribute to the occupying power. Some enemies found out that the Jews would not fight on the Sabbath, and thousands of Jews were slaughtered or taken captive on that holy day.

End of the Old Testament.

"Child's Bible Reader"-A Critical Review, Part 6

Ok, back to it.

For those who haven't read the last several entrees of this blog, here's what's going on: I'm trying to whittle the stories in the popular "Child's Bible Reader" down to their simplest facts, sentiments, and essential lessons (as given by the author to a her young listeners/readers).

Its perhaps the most important and tricky task societies attempt, instilling morality in children. We should be reminded of what continues to be taught to the youngest, most impressionable children in churches today. I would like to know if anyone can say with a clear conscience, after reading theses reviews, that Bible stories are the best stories and the best kinds of moral lessons to teach children.

Twenty-third Sunday, "King Saul Disobeys God"

Israel's first king, Saul, did as God commanded and killed a band of robbers. But Saul's army disobeyed God by hoarding their slain enemy's stuff. Saul told the prophet Samuel that he had done what God wanted. Samuel, upon finding out Saul's lie, proclaimed that the Lord rejected Saul as king. Apparently, Saul remained king for some time afterwards, despite his disobedience. End story. (sometimes a Bible story's weakness is not the murder, rape, or lying....it's the sheer boredom it creates.)

God instructs Samuel to choose the youngest of eight sons to be a future king. His name was David. Lesson: God cares about your righteousness, not your age.

Twenty-fourth Sunday, "Young David Kills the Giant"

A Philistine giant (twice as tall as a normal man) dared any Israelite soldier to fight him. He said that if one of the Israelites could defeat him in man to man combat, then the Philistines would submit to Israel's rule. A young shepherd boy named David who was at the scene giving water to his brothers in the Israelite army heard about the giant's challenge. David went to King Saul and told him that God had made him strong, that he had once killed a lion and bear while protecting his flock, and that he was confident God would help him kill Goliath. Saul was so convinced by David that he gave him his own armor as protection. (...sounds a little demeaning, if you ask me. A king, cowers at the sight of a giant, gives his armor to a young boy and says "go for it" despite the fact that IF the boy loses, all the Israelites must submit to the Philistine rule) Long story short, David uses a leather sling to bury a stone in the giants forehead. Hooray for David! (and the King)

Not sure if there's a lesson here. The author says that trusting in God makes you strong and brave. Anything is possible with God on your side. Killing giants, taming dragons, defeating goblins, and fighting off dwarfs-NOTHING is beyond the Lord.

Twenty-fifth Sunday, "Saul's Death and David Made King"

Here's an entertaining, er, I mean educational story...

So King Saul stopped doing what God wanted. God stopped giving Saul protection. The Philistines battled the Israelite army, and this time the Israelites were beaten. King Saul didn't want to be taken alive, so he threw himself onto his own sword. He botched his own suicide and had to beg a robber to finish him off. The young thief obliged and chopped Saul's head off. The robber went to David (who was some sort of leader at this point) and presented him King Saul's crown and bracelets in the hope that David would grant him a reward. Instead, David killed the robber for having the gall to strike a king. Told you-great story. Nothing objectionable here, nothing at all.

David was then anointed the new King. He was a good, righteous man. He had a baby boy that he loved. The baby grew sick, and despite David's prayers to God, the baby died. But David was so holy that, though he was sad, he accepted that the baby's death was the will of God. And David knew that one day, he and the baby would be resurrected and live together again in heaven. The lesson of this story, according to the author, is "we should not grieve too much when God takes our loved ones to heaven, because they are so much happier; and ... David believed the body should rise from the dead." The feel-good children's stories just keep coming...

I've got to interrupt with just a few questions: Why would God will a baby to die? According to Christians, doesn't God will babies to be born? Why bring a child into this world just to kill it? What kind of cruel, sick deity would stoop so low? Answer: The God of the Bible.

Twenty-sixth Sunday, "Absalom and Solomon"

King David's son Absalom was an arrogant, boastful man who wanted the throne to himself. Absalom and his army threw his old, helpless father out of the palace. David's supporters rallied together, fought back, and defeated Absalom. Poor old David asked that his son be spared, but one of his followers killed him anyway. David was very, very, VERY sad. You see, because Absalom had died a wicked man, there would be no great reunion in heaven with his father.

King David's other son, Solomon, was a good kid. He and his dad built a temple together. Later, Solomon would become king.

Twenty-seventh Sunday, "King Solomon's Wise Request and Wise Judgement"

The young King Solomon was feeling a bit anxious about running a kingdom, so he asked God to give him wisdom and an understanding heart. God loved this, so he gave Solomon what he wanted PLUS great wealth and all manner of extravagant things.

Solomon's wisdom was soon put to the test. Two women came to him, each holding a baby. One baby was dead and one was alive and well. The women said that in the night, one of the sleeping women rolled onto a baby and accidentally smothered it. Both claimed that the living baby was their own. Solomon heard their story and had a SUPER wise solution. He fooled the ladies into believing that he was going to resolve the issue by cutting the living baby in two and giving each woman a half of a baby. One woman was like, "Fine, go ahead." The other woman was like, "Oh my god, NO! Give my baby to the other woman, just don't cut it in half!" The wise Solomon smirked and said, "Just kidding! You're obviously the mother of the child-here you go." His guards shared amused glances. What a wise leader!

There's a lot wrong with this story, but I just want to address one thing in particular. Can we really believe that the woman who was NOT the legitimate mother was OK with the solution King Solomon offered? Even if she had no motherly bond with the baby, it was obvious she wanted a LIVING son for herself. A bloody half-baby would be unacceptable to say the least, and horrifically disgusting at worst, even to an illegitimate mother.

Maybe I'm thinking too hard. Oh! MAYBE that's this story's moral! "Never think too hard about anything. It's a lot less painful to simply react and think as you're told to." I digress.

The author notes that Solomon and God are similar in that both judge what is in our hearts. Also, "wicked people are sure to come to disgrace." End lesson.

Twenty-eigth Sunday, "Solomon's Riches and Wisdom"

Solomon's kingdom was rich, beautiful, and cosmopolitan. The author uses this description to remind her readers that Jesus once said that even a little flower is more beautiful than all the riches and glory of Solomon's kingdom because the flower was designed by God. (I don't think the author has read Richard Dawkin's "A Selfish Gene." Just a guess.)

Twenty-ninth Sunday, "Solomon Turns Wicked"

It was bound to happen, wasn't it? Nearly every one of God's chosen leaders eventually gets on his bad side and ends up dying a horrible death. Let's see how the "wise" King Solomon screwed up his relationship with the big guy.

First, he married a bunch of heathen wives. Second, he allowed his wives to worship other gods and idols. Third, Solomon, to please his wives, engaged in a little nefarious idol worship himself.

C'mon Solomon! What were you thinking!?! You WEREN'T thinking, were you?? I mean JESUS, hadn't you read the history of your own people?? Its like God is just waiting for an opportunity to snuff out the lives of sinners. That's what he does. He's good at it and he looooves it. C'mon Solomon! (god...what a fuck-up)

Well, you might have expected the Lord to just squish Solomon's head like a grape, but it turns out Solomon's punishment was slightly less bloody than usual. God promised to take ten of the twelve tribes of Israel away from the king at some point in the future, thus lessening Solomon's great power. Solomon was bummed, but he still had his head.