"Child's Bible Reader"-A Critical Review, Part 4

Thirteenth Sunday, "Balaam and the Wicked King"

(stick with me, this is a hard one to follow...but well worth it)

A prophet named Balaam was visited by some rich men who wanted him to return to their city and visit their king, Balak. Balaam prayed to God and asked if he could go. God said no and told him why-Balak just wanted Balaam to curse the children of Israel. But Balaam asked God again because he really really wanted the material rewards offered by King Balak. This time God said OK. (big mistake God, big mistake...)

On the way there, Balaam's ass was afraid and didn't want to continue on. Balaam beat his ass's ass. God spoke out of his ass (literally) and asked Balaam why he was being so mean. Balaam said he wished he had a sword to slay his disobedient ass. Then Balaam saw an angel with a sword-the very thing that was scaring the shit out of the ass. (...WTF?)

The angel told Balaam that he must continue on (another mistake, God), but Balaam would only be able to say what God wanted him to say. Balaam tried to curse Israel once he had met Balak, but only blessings and positive prophecy would come out of his mouth. Balaam did manage to tell Barak that if they were able to get some Israelites to behave badly, then God would surely punish the followers of Moses. (Balaam definitely knows his God...)

So Balak sent a bunch of hot girls to invite the Israelites to a crazy, freaky party. They all came together and got nasty in praise of their false god, Baal Peor. God got angry, sent a deadly sickness, and in one day killed twenty-four thousand people. (at this rate, the Israelites numbers are going to be in the negatives-a loooong way from the goal of 300 sextillion) Aaron's grandson Phinehas appeased God by murdering the wickedest participants and praying and weeping for mercy.

The killing doesn't stop there. Phinehas put together a little army and slew many of Balak's people, including Balaam, and put to death all the wicked women who temped the Israelites.

As the author puts it, "nobody could hurt God's people till they did wrong, and then they hurt themselves, and God punished them."

Punished? "Massacred" would be the world I'd choose to describe what God did to people in the Old Testament on multiple occasions. (its like God is a great helper...if you "punish yourself" by having sex with a stranger and drinking a little too much, God helps out by finishing the job: ending your miserable life...and make your afterlife particularly uncomfortable)

Lesson: OBEY

Fourteenth Sunday, "God Speaks to Moses"

God knows when to pull out all the stops. One occasion was the announcement of the Ten Commandments. What he did was make a bunch of smoke and lightning, and created a big racket with rumbling thunder and loud trumpet-like voices. God spoke for everyone to hear the Ten Commandments (in a very masculine, assertive tone, I'm sure).

After the big show, God was like, "Hey Moses, come have a chat." So Moses spent some private time with the Big Guy. Moses and God were tight.

Later, Moses and the Israelites built a special tent called the "Tabernacle" to use as storage for the Ten Commandments. The chest in which the plates were kept is called The Ark of the Covenant (remember Indiana Jones?). Various holy rituals were to be performed at the Tabernacle, like burning animal flesh so God could smell the savory sent...

Moses went up into the Mountains and spent 40 days there. In the meantime, the Israelites got really really impatient. They wanted something fun to do, so they took all their gold, melted it down, and made a golden idol to worship and party around.

Now, hold on a second. I'm no Israelite, but if I had witnessed the big sound and lights show, and heard God's own voice declare "thou shall have no other gods before me", I would probably find it easy to NOT make a golden idol and prance around it in plain view of Mount Sinai and God. Especially considering God's record and his "itchy trigger finger", so to speak. I'm just saying...

When Moses came down from the mountain and saw what the Israelites were doing, he put the back of his hand against his head and was exclaimed, "Its just no use!" He then took the commandments that had been written by God's own magic finger, and threw them to the ground, shattered them into little pieces. So, if you catch your kids breaking the rules, do what Moses would do and take that damned rule book and throw it out the window, because rules that can't be kept are no good to anyone.

Fifteenth Sunday, "How Moses Saw God"

Moses went to God and apologized profusely for his people...and asked for another set of Ten Commandments. "Oops, sorry, can I get another?" God was like, "Yo, no biggy, here you go". And then things got awkward. Moses said to God, "I pray Thee, show me Thy glory." (actual quote this time) God said, "No, you can't handle my glory." But Moses got just a little glimpse of God's glory anyway, and it turned his face all shiny, and he went down to the Israelites after forty more days with the Ten Commandments, all smiley and shiny faced.

(I suppose its true-the Old Testament is more A Story, than A Moral Guide. But still, there's a whole lot here to make fun of, er, I mean critique)

The Israelites made their way toward the land of Canaan. A few scouts checked it out and returned with news, saying that Canaan was too strong a place to take by force. Most of the Israelites got really upset about this fact. They whined about God not keeping his promise, and even threw stones at Moses and Aaron. God was about to smite them all when Moses once again stepped in and successfully checked God's wrath. You see, despite everything we've read, God isn't all that bad. God said so himself. He said, "The Lord, the Lord God, merciful and gracious, long-suffering, and abundant in goodness and truth." If God says it, it must be true. Anyway, instead of smiting all the bitchy, whiny Israelites, God made them stay in the wilderness for 40 more years.

Lesson: Obey. "(The Israelites) lost an earthly home, where they could live but a short time. We loose an everlasting home in heaven (when we misbehave)."