"Child's Bible Reader"-A Critical Review, Part 7

Thirtieth Sunday, "Reading Lessons from the Bible"

In this lesson, the author announces to her fictional class of young listeners that instead of reading the next several stories to the class as usual, the children will be expected to do the reading on their own time. (my guess is that she's finding these stories exacerbating too). But the author does touch upon some of the content in the Bible readings that she assigned.

The kids will learn about the next king of Israel, Rehoboam, and how the "ten tribes" split from the kingdom.

They'll also learn that a wicked prophet was eaten by a lion for disobeying God.

Next, the children will learn about Elijah. They'll learn about how he was fed by a crow and a poor widow, and how he made the widow's oil and food last throughout a long famine. The story of Elijah continues with a description of how a fire shot down from heaven and consumed his offering (offering sacrifices to God is like feeding a dragon at the zoo!). Elijah then killed 400 false prophets of Baal. Queen Jezebel tried to hunt down Elijah, but he ran into the wilderness where he almost died of starvation. Luckily, an angel came down and gave him food.

The class will read about Queen Jezebel and how she had a poor man killed in order to take possession of his vineyard, and how the man's own dogs licked up his blood. The queen's husband Ahab was later killed in battle, and the dogs licked up his blood too. Finally, Queen Jezebel herself died when she was thrown down from a window. This time, the dogs had themselves a meal (all of these stories are like feeding time at the zoo, Stephen King style).

Elijah escaped death by dog when a chariot and horses of fire taxied him up to heaven. The next prophet was Elijah's friend Elisha. Elisha had so much faith that he raised a woman's son from the dead.

Thirty-first Sunday, "How a Little Girl Did Great Good"

There was a young Israelite girl who was abducted by Syrian soldiers and sold to a captain named Naaman. The captain contracted leprosy; and the girl, concerned for her master, told him of a prophet back in Israel who could cure him. When Naaman met the prophet, he was told to wash in the River Jordan seven times. Initially, Naaman was upset. He felt slighted and had expected instantaneous results. But the captain's servants convinced him to do as the prophet said; and low and behold, Naaman was cured. The lessons here for the kiddies are 1) "do good now by trying to get people who are wicked to come to Jesus and be cured of their sins." (although this is not what happened in the story...), and 2) "Every one has the leprosy of sin, and Jesus can cure it, and will do so if we will do as He tells us."

Thirty-Second Sunday, "Good King Hezekiah"

Most kings had been super bad, but Hezekiah was a good king who only worshipped God and did everything the way he wanted. A powerful Assyrian army had been busy conquering the surrounding area, and they had Jerusalem in their sights. Everyone got worried. Hezekiah prayed to God and praised his name. God killed the entire Assyrian army while the soldiers slept. Nuff said. Lesson: If you're afraid or worried, open your heart to God and ask him for help. He's there for ya, ready to open up a can of whoop-ass.

Thirty-Third Sunday, "The Good King Josiah"

King Hezekiah's son and grandson were both wicked. But his great-grandson, Josiah, was a good feller. He made everyone get rid of their idols, purified the temple, and started worshipping the Lord all proper like. While straightening things up, the Israelites happened upon the Book of the Law of Moses. Someone had set it down a few decades back and everyone just completely forgot about it (the temple must have been a messy place). King Josiah was shocked, as were his people. They realized how wicked they had been. But it was too late, God had made up his mind to punish them. Knowing that God didn't hold back when it came to laying down the law, King Josiah begged God for mercy. The two came to a compromise. Punishment would not happen during the king's life...but eventually, BAM, it would come. Sure enough, a couple of generations later, the Lord let the army of Nebuchadnezzar "kill many of the people, and put out the king's eyes, and burn the king's house and the holy Temple and the city, and carry the people away to be his slaves." Bet those Israelites will think twice before they go and lose their Bible under a pile of dirty clothes again. Lesson: Again, don't f*ck with God.

Thirty-Fourth Sunday, "Daniel and His Brave Companions"

The king of Babylon, Nebuchadnezzar, made three young Israelite princes his personal slaves. When the boys refused to eat the unholy meat ("unholy" because it had been used as offerings to an idol) that their Babylonian master and other servants prepared, the king warned them against getting thin and weak. They trusted that God would allow them to thrive off of beans and water alone, which they did. Lesson: When you are tempted by things you are not allowed to have, remember the example of those good boys and think of what they gave up to obey God.

So these Jewish slaves grew up and were well thought of by their master the king. The other servants were jealous. Knowing that the Jews would refuse to worship an idol, the servants convinced the king to create an idol and demand that everyone worship it or be thrown in a fire. The Jewish slaves stood up to the king and said, essentially, "No we won't bow down to the idol. You can throw us in the fire if you want, but our god will save us." Well, that's basically what happened. The king turned up the heat and threw them in, but not a hair was singed on their heads. The Son of God himself made an appearance and protected the men in the fire. The king was like, "Oh crap, I screwed up" and immediately commanded all to respect the god of the Jews. Lesson: Be brave and do what is right.

Thirty-Fifth Sunday, "The Great Things That Daniel Did"

Daniel, a great prophet, interpreted a dream that disturbed King Nebuchadnezzar. Daniel told the King that he would one day loose his mind and be thrown from his palace into the fields where he'd live like an animal for seven years. Nebuchadnezzar forgot about Daniel's prophecy until one day, when he was feeling particularly proud of himself and his kingdom, a voice announced that the time had come. Instantly, the King became as senseless as an ox. He stayed that way for seven years, just as Daniel had prophesied. At the end of the allotted time, the king regained his sanity and his throne. His first act was to tell his people to honor Daniel's god, who "putteth down and setteth up." Lesson: Don't be too proud of your accomplishments, because God really is far better than you, and if you don't give him the glory, you'll be eating grass for seven years...

So... The next king, the son of Nebuchadnezzar, Belshazzar, was especially pompous and self pleasing. He ignored threats of invasion and partied instead. The king and his buds were really enjoying themselves when, out of nowhere, a disembodied hand appeared and wrote something on the wall. Daniel was the only one who could read the writing. He told Belshazzar what it said; that the king was no good and that his kingdom would be taken from him. And sure enough, the Persians invaded that night and killed the king.

King Cyrus of the Persians was good to the Jews. His son-in-law Darius actually made Daniel second in command. The followers of Darius treated the king like a God. They asked Darius to make a law that required everyone to pray only to him for thirty days or be thrown to the lions. Of course Daniel would only honor the "true" god. When King Darius was told of Daniel's disobedience, he was saddened but had no choice but to allow the punishment. An angel closed the mouths of the lion and Daniel was spared. The spiteful men who set up Daniel were thrown into the lion's den instead and were promptly eaten. Lesson: "How glad we should be that we can say our prayers safe and unhurt; and how careful we should be never to miss them out of idleness, if Daniel would not miss them out of fear."

Thirty-sixth Sunday, "Five Hundred Years of Jewish History"

The Jews who were allowed to return to Jerusalem stayed busy rebuilding the temple and fighting off invaders. There were constantly ruled by outsiders-the Greeks, Syrians, Egyptians, etc, etc. They did their best to practice their religion while paying tribute to the occupying power. Some enemies found out that the Jews would not fight on the Sabbath, and thousands of Jews were slaughtered or taken captive on that holy day.

End of the Old Testament.