"Child's Bible Reader"-A Critical Review, Part 6

Ok, back to it.

For those who haven't read the last several entrees of this blog, here's what's going on: I'm trying to whittle the stories in the popular "Child's Bible Reader" down to their simplest facts, sentiments, and essential lessons (as given by the author to a her young listeners/readers).

Its perhaps the most important and tricky task societies attempt, instilling morality in children. We should be reminded of what continues to be taught to the youngest, most impressionable children in churches today. I would like to know if anyone can say with a clear conscience, after reading theses reviews, that Bible stories are the best stories and the best kinds of moral lessons to teach children.

Twenty-third Sunday, "King Saul Disobeys God"

Israel's first king, Saul, did as God commanded and killed a band of robbers. But Saul's army disobeyed God by hoarding their slain enemy's stuff. Saul told the prophet Samuel that he had done what God wanted. Samuel, upon finding out Saul's lie, proclaimed that the Lord rejected Saul as king. Apparently, Saul remained king for some time afterwards, despite his disobedience. End story. (sometimes a Bible story's weakness is not the murder, rape, or lying....it's the sheer boredom it creates.)

God instructs Samuel to choose the youngest of eight sons to be a future king. His name was David. Lesson: God cares about your righteousness, not your age.

Twenty-fourth Sunday, "Young David Kills the Giant"

A Philistine giant (twice as tall as a normal man) dared any Israelite soldier to fight him. He said that if one of the Israelites could defeat him in man to man combat, then the Philistines would submit to Israel's rule. A young shepherd boy named David who was at the scene giving water to his brothers in the Israelite army heard about the giant's challenge. David went to King Saul and told him that God had made him strong, that he had once killed a lion and bear while protecting his flock, and that he was confident God would help him kill Goliath. Saul was so convinced by David that he gave him his own armor as protection. (...sounds a little demeaning, if you ask me. A king, cowers at the sight of a giant, gives his armor to a young boy and says "go for it" despite the fact that IF the boy loses, all the Israelites must submit to the Philistine rule) Long story short, David uses a leather sling to bury a stone in the giants forehead. Hooray for David! (and the King)

Not sure if there's a lesson here. The author says that trusting in God makes you strong and brave. Anything is possible with God on your side. Killing giants, taming dragons, defeating goblins, and fighting off dwarfs-NOTHING is beyond the Lord.

Twenty-fifth Sunday, "Saul's Death and David Made King"

Here's an entertaining, er, I mean educational story...

So King Saul stopped doing what God wanted. God stopped giving Saul protection. The Philistines battled the Israelite army, and this time the Israelites were beaten. King Saul didn't want to be taken alive, so he threw himself onto his own sword. He botched his own suicide and had to beg a robber to finish him off. The young thief obliged and chopped Saul's head off. The robber went to David (who was some sort of leader at this point) and presented him King Saul's crown and bracelets in the hope that David would grant him a reward. Instead, David killed the robber for having the gall to strike a king. Told you-great story. Nothing objectionable here, nothing at all.

David was then anointed the new King. He was a good, righteous man. He had a baby boy that he loved. The baby grew sick, and despite David's prayers to God, the baby died. But David was so holy that, though he was sad, he accepted that the baby's death was the will of God. And David knew that one day, he and the baby would be resurrected and live together again in heaven. The lesson of this story, according to the author, is "we should not grieve too much when God takes our loved ones to heaven, because they are so much happier; and ... David believed the body should rise from the dead." The feel-good children's stories just keep coming...

I've got to interrupt with just a few questions: Why would God will a baby to die? According to Christians, doesn't God will babies to be born? Why bring a child into this world just to kill it? What kind of cruel, sick deity would stoop so low? Answer: The God of the Bible.

Twenty-sixth Sunday, "Absalom and Solomon"

King David's son Absalom was an arrogant, boastful man who wanted the throne to himself. Absalom and his army threw his old, helpless father out of the palace. David's supporters rallied together, fought back, and defeated Absalom. Poor old David asked that his son be spared, but one of his followers killed him anyway. David was very, very, VERY sad. You see, because Absalom had died a wicked man, there would be no great reunion in heaven with his father.

King David's other son, Solomon, was a good kid. He and his dad built a temple together. Later, Solomon would become king.

Twenty-seventh Sunday, "King Solomon's Wise Request and Wise Judgement"

The young King Solomon was feeling a bit anxious about running a kingdom, so he asked God to give him wisdom and an understanding heart. God loved this, so he gave Solomon what he wanted PLUS great wealth and all manner of extravagant things.

Solomon's wisdom was soon put to the test. Two women came to him, each holding a baby. One baby was dead and one was alive and well. The women said that in the night, one of the sleeping women rolled onto a baby and accidentally smothered it. Both claimed that the living baby was their own. Solomon heard their story and had a SUPER wise solution. He fooled the ladies into believing that he was going to resolve the issue by cutting the living baby in two and giving each woman a half of a baby. One woman was like, "Fine, go ahead." The other woman was like, "Oh my god, NO! Give my baby to the other woman, just don't cut it in half!" The wise Solomon smirked and said, "Just kidding! You're obviously the mother of the child-here you go." His guards shared amused glances. What a wise leader!

There's a lot wrong with this story, but I just want to address one thing in particular. Can we really believe that the woman who was NOT the legitimate mother was OK with the solution King Solomon offered? Even if she had no motherly bond with the baby, it was obvious she wanted a LIVING son for herself. A bloody half-baby would be unacceptable to say the least, and horrifically disgusting at worst, even to an illegitimate mother.

Maybe I'm thinking too hard. Oh! MAYBE that's this story's moral! "Never think too hard about anything. It's a lot less painful to simply react and think as you're told to." I digress.

The author notes that Solomon and God are similar in that both judge what is in our hearts. Also, "wicked people are sure to come to disgrace." End lesson.

Twenty-eigth Sunday, "Solomon's Riches and Wisdom"

Solomon's kingdom was rich, beautiful, and cosmopolitan. The author uses this description to remind her readers that Jesus once said that even a little flower is more beautiful than all the riches and glory of Solomon's kingdom because the flower was designed by God. (I don't think the author has read Richard Dawkin's "A Selfish Gene." Just a guess.)

Twenty-ninth Sunday, "Solomon Turns Wicked"

It was bound to happen, wasn't it? Nearly every one of God's chosen leaders eventually gets on his bad side and ends up dying a horrible death. Let's see how the "wise" King Solomon screwed up his relationship with the big guy.

First, he married a bunch of heathen wives. Second, he allowed his wives to worship other gods and idols. Third, Solomon, to please his wives, engaged in a little nefarious idol worship himself.

C'mon Solomon! What were you thinking!?! You WEREN'T thinking, were you?? I mean JESUS, hadn't you read the history of your own people?? Its like God is just waiting for an opportunity to snuff out the lives of sinners. That's what he does. He's good at it and he looooves it. C'mon Solomon! (god...what a fuck-up)

Well, you might have expected the Lord to just squish Solomon's head like a grape, but it turns out Solomon's punishment was slightly less bloody than usual. God promised to take ten of the twelve tribes of Israel away from the king at some point in the future, thus lessening Solomon's great power. Solomon was bummed, but he still had his head.