On Traditional Marriage

I feel compelled to share some of my thoughts about marriage for a couple of reasons.  First of all, I can't help  but think that somebody somewhere might at sometime wonder why in the world I'm not married.  I've been in a happy committed relationship with someone I love for nearly eight years now.  I know that once or twice Jennifer has been asked the insensitive and misguided question "When's Josh going to make you an honest woman?"  Society in general expects couples to get married after several months or a few short years.  And honestly, its hard to dismiss this expectation when marriage is so prominent and so dramatized in pop culture.

Besides responding to that hypothetical person asking "Why are you not married??", I simply find the subject interesting and worth talking about, particularly in the context of tradition and conformity.  Various thoughts on the subjects have whirled around my brain for years.  Now seems like as good a time as any to pin them down.

Before I delve into the personal and philosophical reasons for NOT being married, let me state for the record that I'm not anti-marriage.  Tradition is very important for some people.  For most, marriage is not just traditional, it makes up a central and necessary part of their religion's doctrine and practice.  I don't want to dismiss tradition, religion, and simple choice.  There's nothing not to like about the ceremony of marriage.  It brings family and friends together and makes memories for life.  It's a positive thing, from proposal to "I Do".  And there's often good financial reasons to be considered.  I can completely understand why couples go through with it.

Most importantly, I don't want to sound as though I'm denigrating love and romance.  As a young man around the age of 12, I thought I was especially emotive.  Maybe I was just normal.  I had a huge crush on the character Anne in the television series "Anne of Green Gables" (and in the books).  In the sixth grade, I thought I fell in love with a girl that I had barely hung out with on more than a few occasions.  Ever since those early days of discovering my "heart", I've considered myself something of a romantic, as embarrassing as it is to say.  I value love and romance as much as anyone, and I'm so thankful that today I'm sharing my life with someone as amazing as Jennifer.

Now, to confront the issue.  Why am I not married?

I'll try not to sound trite-remember, I'm pro-love just as much as anyone.  I'll begin by saying that I did not come up with the concept of marriage.  If the ceremony and the legal contract were never created, I don't believe I would have created them myself.  In other words, its not my idea.  Someone else, at some point in the distant past, likely in some far away land, dreamed up this thing called marriage, and ever since then people have simply joined in the fun.

There's an element of conformity to marriage.  My inner rebel says "No, I won't do something just because someone else thinks its a good idea or just because society expects me to."  Yes, you might think its a shame that I have to have what is essentially a negative response to something that is for nearly everyone a beautiful thing.  But I don't think my reaction has to be seen as negative, just neutral.  In an alternative universe, marriage could be the "rebellious" thing to do, and remaining in informal committed relationships would be the norm.  Let me put it another way: if someone manufactured an entirely new ceremony involving, say, families holding hands around a big tree and committing their lives to the service of mother nature and each other, and if that ceremony became popular and practiced over generations, when the expectation to take part finally arrived at my doorstep in my day and age, I would have the same reaction that I have today regarding marriage.  I didn't make it up, I wouldn't naturally choose to take part, and I won't do it simply because its what's expected of me.

What else?  Well, I have a hard time seeing how marriage is so special when marriages fail all the time. People commit to stay together "till death" when they know good and well that there's a fifty fifty chance they'll end up getting a divorce.  Marriage does not guarantee a long happy relationship.  In fact, one might argue that it could, for some, hasten a break up.  Allow me to make that argument.

We all have a lazy streak in us, some more than others, and there's nothing very attractive about it.  Given certain circumstances, we might just let ourselves go-watch too much TV, play too much solitaire, eat too many cheese poofs, spend too much time on Facebook, forget to do our laundry for a few weeks, fail to take a shower for days, whatever.  We're never as on top of our game as when we're trying to impress someone that we like.  When we're in a relationship that feels safe, like the other person won't or can't leave due to financial circumstances, children, and/or marriage vows, I believe we're much more likely to let ourselves go.  We might stop trying to be our best for our partner.  We might get in a routine and neglect romance and time together.  The very nature of marriage-its formal commitment and the supposed safety and stability that follows-can be its undoing.

What is more romantic to me than saying, essentially, "I will stay with you no matter what.  We will be together until we die" is saying "Everyday I choose to be with you because I want to.  Nothing is compelling me to be here-I'm here because I love you and enjoy your company."  The former may provide some comfort and assurance that is deeply felt; but the latter is more romantic, open, and honest.  The lack of a vow and legal contract also ensures that both partners don't stop making some effort on a day to day basis to nurture their love.

Popular views of marriage imply that love is eternal and unconditional.  Its a nice, romantic notion.  It certainly will not make you a popular person if you say, as I will, that love is in fact conditional.  Love wouldn't be love it it wasn't for the feeling of wanting to commit and be with someone forever.  People in love might feel as though its unconditional.  But the reality is that love can fade away.  It can do so either slowly or abruptly depending on what happens in a relationship.  If you treat your partner with disrespect, if you're never kind or loving, if you abandon romance all together, if you're a total slob or asshole...all of these things and more can ultimately kill love.  Your relationship could go down in flames if you cheat or physically abuse your partner.  So no, after you get married, your love does not exist in some protective marriage forcefield that makes it immune to the maltreatment of your partner.  Love thrives or dies the same regardless of whether you are married or not.  Marriage can set unrealistic expectations that lead some to neglect their partners.

This may not be the case in the U.S. now, but marriage used to imply ownership.  Husbands believed they owned and controlled their wives.  This is still true is some parts of the world, including Utah ;).  The notion is abhorrent.  Not only do I believe that both partners are equals in a relationship, but I think that there should be a near complete absence of control of each other.  Anything beyond polite suggestions and favors asked should not exist.  Insofar as marriage may imply ownership or control over spouses is the extent to which I will distance myself from it further.

The marriage ceremony can be a beautiful thing.  The words spoken in love as well as the memories made can resonate for a lifetime.  The joining of families and the beginnings of a new chapter in life can be a great source of joy.  Kudos to marriage's inventors and to those who choose to get married.

There is a place and a need for celebrations, coming together, and ceremonies in my life.  But I'm not looking for guidance on how I go about filling this need.  Celebrations and romantic moments can happen in any number of places and in many different ways.  And they do.  The future will be filled with many more, I'm sure of it.